Tomorrow's the big day. The event. The second most important thing I plan to do all summer, possibly - and that's assuming this weather qualifies as summer.
Tomorrow I drive to Minneapolis to attend a light meal and an evening of board games with men I don't know. Tomorrow I will do this naked (or nude as some seem to insist.) Tomorrow I will be more vulnerable to complete strangers than I have been in the six years I've been single... combined.
Interestingly, all my anticipation has been about the road trip, not the event itself. I've described it to my co-workers, who actually know next to nothing about me - other than I'm gay, single, and have recently taken to pursuing a social life and resumed drinking after assuming my Wednesday night meetings were for AA - I've described this as a road trip to meet people I don't know. Accurate, no? But not honest. Fuck 'em for the bigots they are.
As I was saying, prior to the rant, I've been focused on getting the car to the mechanic for a once over and an oil-change so the decade-old Neon will safely deliver me home again after a longer drive than it's experienced in the last three years combined. I've been planning my overnight bag; deciding to bring prophylactics and other sundry as well as a change in clothes and some liquor.
Speaking of liquor, I've decided to bring two drinks worth of vodka & orange juice. I even dashed about the grocer to find a sports-bottle to carry the tonic. I've settled on simply refilling my empty bottled-water bottles. This prompted the concern to then store my overnight bag in the trunk so to avoid any question about open-intoxicants.
I've decided to wear loose-fitting clothes for the drive out and slip-on shoes with no socks. No need to spend twenty minutes un-dressing once I've arrived at the house of the man hosting. Last thing I need is extra time to chicken out. I'll have my car's heater to keep me warm and I'll turn it extra-high so that my body won't mind the evening chill on my arrival.
The weather forecast in that area looks better than here at home.
I have the bills paid and some of the household chores completed so I won't have to concern myself with things left undone while I'm gone... overnight.
I've considered dialing my parents to inform them of my absence, especially if Dad decides this is the time to begin lawn-care activities. (He does seem to be able to pick the last miserably cold weekend of the year to start the season.)
Notice none of this has anything to do with the party. At no time have I pondered over the conversations I would like to have with the other members. I haven't decided on a personae to adopt to launch myself out of my typical wallflower mode. I haven't decided on any modes of behavior I want to focus myself as I usually do when entering social situations, especially among large crowds of people who don't know me. Especially when I want universal acceptance.
The main reason for this is simple: I have no idea what to expect. My previous attempts at what might be loosely considered social nudism have been with extremely close friends. These were men and boys I've known for years. Answering the door nude or accepting a half-hearted joke about joining him in the hot tub, that sort of thing. I don't remember ever being joined in nudity. As a boy it was an exploration of sexuality, often resulting in sex. As a man it was definitely part of foreplay and I was definitely joined by my partners. Nudity during my criminal activities is not even worth these words since those incidences had so little to do with nudity or sex as to not even need mention. That was about being mean.
Again, as I was saying; I don't know what to expect. Will I be greeted by a nude man at the door? Will I simply wrap my towel around my waist when it's time for a cigarette? Will I be joined in the habit? Perhaps we will adjourn to the closed garage nude. What if it isn't closed? What if the other men smoke in the back yard in view of the neighbors? Will I join them and risk a indecency complaint with the police?
Will I remember to always sit on my towel? What if I have to fart? I've mentioned previously, what are the personal bubble requirements? Is Platonic touching permitted? In a previous post I've commented on personal space and touching in the gay bars or simply among gay men as being mostly at odds with the rest of the world. I had my ass grabbed at least a dozen times last Sunday (yes! Sunday) night alone... and I ain't pretty! I'm to meet gay men, will the standard apply or will they be even more solid in their separation with each other?
For me, the vulnerability of other men seeing my naked body or my penis is secondary to my inability to predict behavior. This is generally how I socialize: observe, summarize, predict, test, gain acceptance. Unless these men are all there before me and are engrossed in socializing with each other I will not have any opportunity to follow this pattern - a pattern I suspect most people use without really acknowledging the details. The nudity will be almost beside the point (though I AM joining a group of nudists) and others seeing my dick is really an unimpressive happenstance.
I will have to remember to not let my natural tendency toward gawking overrule the published etiquette. I've read it is tantamount to talking to a woman's breasts. While I might find such things flattering (should I have anything to talk to), apparently it is a social taboo.
Though I have yet to get anyone to read this mockery of a manifesto, I shall perhaps take the time and effort to record my thoughts immediately before and after the party. This will be from my tablet, and not this laptop, so forgive it's brevity, acronyms, and mis-spellings that may occur.
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