De-confident

I got ditched last night!

Now, I realize I'm not a prize catch.  I realize I'm not the prettiest boy in the room... hell, I'm no where near a boy anymore.  I also realize that my socialization skills are lacking in comparison to many of the other people in the bar.  However, I didn't realize I was so repugnant as it be allowed to ignore me all together.

An acquaintance of mine came to town, an occasion I secretly have been waiting for.  The news of him bringing a guest with him was unsettling enough, but to learn this guest was to be a STRAIGHT WOMAN knocked me out of the chair.  Oh, well.  I can be nice to the lady, yes?  My plans to continue my astounding charm offensive to impart upon this man my intense and constant worth as a future husband should not be daunted by the presence of a mere woman who would quickly learn my attentions were not for her.

Upon our first meeting he made passing complaint of a former lover who annoyed him greatly with attentions bordering on stalking.  I decided instantly to play my hand cool, aloof, and dispassionate.  This worked well for me and happy fun times ensued.

My angst phone-side over the intervening period was kept secret and again I played up dispassion upon learning of his imminent return.  Again this worked to my advantage and happy fun times re-ensued.  Still I was no closer to impressing upon him my worth.

Struggling to accept our acquaintance for its current state I volunteered to join the duo for a night of frivolity and debauchery.  Much inebriation occurred, costumes were purchased, and innuendo was freely spoken.  I worked to be supportive of his socializing, worked to be patient and unconcerned of the potential rivals to my object of desire, and worked especially hard at ingratiating myself to the trusted adviser he brought with him.

Apparently all of my performances were for naught for as the night drew to a close and my hopes for an extended stay in his bed reached a peak I spied the duo leave the bar without so much as a "we're leaving."

At first, I assumed secrets were to be shared away from ever-present ears assumed by only those in high school and the intoxicated.  I waited for a few minutes and was distracted by a conversation for a short period.

Next I assumed they retired to a bar next-door to chase down a romance for said lady, though she had stated quite clearly earlier she was not in any mood for such dalliance.  I waited - awkwardly - alone, for about an hour before I seriously considered the idea I was truly alone.

My bemused BFF irritated with his mirth at my plight yet quickly sobered to my dejection.  He counseled me on the realities of my acquaintance-ship and reminded me of the quixotic behaviors of the muddled.  I decided I could not make the assumption of rudeness and retire solitary to my slumber without lapsing rude myself.  An obviously searching expression would deter any poor judgement of my entry into the breeder's establishment and facilitate my determination of current events.

As is obvious, no duo with which I was related frequented THAT bar when I entered.

I could only conclude I had been abandoned - which unleashed a myriad reasons which would explain events as I have recounted.

My search for an explanation during our cumulative hang-overs went unanswered and surely now the duo has returned to their homes apparently unabashed.  I have lost more dignity than I can quantify and feel ashamed of not only my behavior but my fantasies.

Looking toward this coming weekend I am hard-pressed to see myself charming and graceful at a pool-party for naked men.  I am emotionally wounded and find it difficult to be vulnerable, yet I'm to prepare for a situation where I plan to be as physically vulnerable as is possible outside violence.

Considering the welcome I received at my last visit with these men, perhaps my plans are my panacea.

Woe be the man who returns home in June failing to find solace or he who compounds his shame... but let's be optimistic.