Ralph Lauren I Am Not

Rather than risk being a pest, I will rewrite this post so that it doesn't focus on my good friend... thus freeing me from the onus of permission.

Stereotypes and bias are a fact of the mind.  One theory of psychology posits the mind contacts stimuli (internal or external) via the senses - including the sixth... which is basically our own internal dialog; identifies it; categorizes it as good, bad, both, or neither; then formulates responses to the stimuli.  Another (with evidence to support it) moves categorization one place before identification in some instances.  These circumstances usually include matters of life and death where the cerebellum is in charge rather than the cerebrum.

All that mumbo-jumbo means is that judgments and bias are a fact of the mind.  We cannot stop categorizing anymore than we could stop breathing.  Prejudice is a fact, actions based on those prejudice are decisions.

This is late in reporting, but last weekend was another visit to the awesome pool parties with my nude friends in Minneapolis.  I enjoy these times with these men more than I could possibly describe here, and if I tried I would probably sound insincere with my tendency to rely on facts and opinions I've already heard to express myself.  I would sound more like a nudist ad campaign than a person attending.

One of the reasons I enjoy the events so much is the seeming absence of these aforementioned judgments.  At no time does anyone seem to be making assessments of my body, desirability, or worth... all things I can do adequately myself should I ever need an ego adjustment.

As since most of us attending are of a certain age, the presence of anyone under such an age draws notice.  A couple of men, obviously committed to a romance, were also present.  Both were beautiful and both were noticed.  I'll have to address ideas of beauty and attractiveness at another time, but suffice it to say that everyone not familiar with these men found ample gossip to get the basics of name, relationship status, and an overview of prevailing opinion towards their personalities.  I heard nary an unkind word about these men... which just made them all the more beautiful.  Again... nicest group of people I know.

Nude, I found each to be in the peak of health and this country's standards of beauty.  Failing to find any rational reason to speak to either of them, lest I appear lecherous, I was unable to pass any further judgements of my own.

What I want to point out here, is after the party wound to a end and most of the younger men decided to leave, I again saw these two clothed for travel... as one should do to abide the neuroses of others and stay within the bounds of law.  Again, I'll have to expound at another time.

Clothing has always been a symbol of status.  Uniqueness of dress being one of the highest regarded after the materials used - or these days the label stitched upon the fabric.  Uniqueness of dress is one phrase I'd use to describe the choices one of the men had toward his attire.

While I've never actually seen an ascot outside of British television, I do believe he was wearing one... or at the very least attempting to mimic wearing one.  Since I've not made any attempts to speak to either men, I cannot say what his motivations might have been for such a daring fashion statement - if, in fact, he was attempting to make one.  However, my judgment I can describe.

It was a hot summer day, everyone around me was comfortably nude in the temperate air, yet this man was wearing a scarf - an item I associate with colder air and an attempt to keep warmth near the skin.  My first judgment upon seeing him in his clothes was one of shock, a violation of expectations.  Shocks are unpleasant, at least in my world.  I am not a fan of haunted houses or truly scary movies and abhor roller-coasters.  I'm a big fan of accurate prediction.

Once I was able to process what I was seeing, my next - and most shameful - judgment was linking the clothing choice to a stereotype.  "Really, Mary's wearing an ascot?"  

Fear not, gentle reader, this was not my most prominent nor final assessment of the man.  Rather I recognized the unkindness and intolerance of my own thinking and chose to accept his clothing as simply an expression of style.  That style needn't my approval nor, for that matter, disapproval.  He simply was dressed as he was dressed.  I would not have chosen to wear anything around my neck - June or February, but he did and I had no place in critique.

I had nearly forgotten the incident until I became frustrated with being unable to post my chosen entry, such was my dismissal of my own prejudice for all things remotely stereotypical... which may be funny to those who know me and recognize my own behavioral tics keeping with many stereotypes, including an encyclopedic memory of the names of Hollywood hunks.

Aside from wanting to place myself near beauty and gaining a neurotic sense of worth from beauty's acceptance, I now am strongly curious as to what the choice in neckwear symbolized and how else the man's personality either adheres or departs from the stereotypes with which I'm familiar.  Hearing a deep rumble erupt from his mouth when I first hear him speak and listen to an obvious fascination with cars or the NFL would be just as fascinating as confirming my stereotypical ideas of a gay man.  Subtlety has most likely found it's way into the grey areas between such extremes and I could likely find myself in love with such a creature... since I do love a challenge.

Offensive Contemplation

The other day I was talking to a co-worker about my trip to Pride over the previous weekend.  As with almost everyone I've ever met who has spent time in the military or prison, he is a very tolerant person with no overt bias about race or sexuality.  So it surprised me when his response to my friend's t-shirt was negative.

The t-shirt in question read, "Sorry girls, I like dicks."  I find this very amusing and am jealous that he wouldn't let me wear it to the parade that day... a topic for another blog.  My co-worker found this shirt to be tacky and referred to wearing it in public as class-less.

As to an explanation he offered a comparison to an opposite point of view: "That's like saying I wore a shirt saying 'Sorry guys, I like pussy' in your bar."

I was taken aback further by the territoriality of this statement.  What he implied, realizing it or not, was that the street on which we were celebrating and protesting was "their" street and we were allowed to use it for the parade.  My bar is where I may choose to be crass, but not in his areas.

One of the big questions facing nudists in the concurrent political and social movement is that of offending others by our choices.  For those who find no sexuality (or little sexuality) to the act of nudity, wrapping one's brain around the concept of taking offense to such behavior is difficult.

I began to think maybe the nature of offense was tied to that of possession and territoriality.  If something happens in "my" space, I pass judgement and have a vested interest in what happens there.  Perhaps it's a control thing, deciding what occurs around me so I feel more comfortable because I feel in control of my environment.

This seemed to be only half the answer as I went about my occupational duties the rest of the day.  Odd for a person who has spent the last twenty-five-odd years dabbling in all things psychology and sociology, I took quite a long time to finally land on an idea that seemed more accurate in describing the conversation I had those many hours earlier.

Offense is taken largely because a pattern is broken.  Our minds are always trying to find patterns around us so that we may safely predict the future.  Everything from our standards of beauty based on symmetry to the structure of a movie is often better to us when we can predict any outcome that may arise - as we can then prepare for it and remain safely in control of our environment.  Anything that lies outside these predictable patterns causes us stress.

This jolt - such as brake-lights of a car in front of you while driving on the highway - grabs our attention.  Our brain begins to suck in any and all information it can through the senses and attempts to find familiar patterns.  The biology of stress is one of the most studied fields in medicine and the list of physiologic responses to stress is long.  Amusement parks and horror filmmakers play to this very response to create a pleasurable sense of excitement.

So back to the idea of offense:  it seems we're actually talking about a stress response to an unexpected stimulus, one which is judged unpleasant upon review in the seconds after.  There are studies showing a person actually makes judgements before identifying that which is being judged, visceral reactions to images of snakes and other dangers to survival, but in the case of nudity we must assume social conditioning.  A person witnesses nudity, reacts to the unexpected, then passes a sociological judgement based on core beliefs meant to ensure social survival.

As a politically active gay man, this is not a new phenomenon to me.  However, as a newbie nudist I spend time pondering effective responses to these reactions.  The Gay Community reacted to police brutality and oppressive hetero-centric laws by rioting at the Stonewall Inn.  Pride month is June as a commemoration to these riots.

I don't see laws and treatment of nudists as being as harsh as 1960's New York was to the Gay Community so I don't recommend any riots at this year's bicycling rallies, however the Gay Community has spent the intervening decades attempting to normalize our behavior through all manner of political and social activity, the idea being that if a pattern becomes familiar less offense will be taken.

Aside from those folks in Westboro, I think society has made progress in the U.S. The Gay Community has changed its message over the years, spun the debate to such a degree that sexuality is no longer about sex but love.  Abortion changed the spin to women's health vs. baby's rights.  Recreational marijuana use spun out a healthy use campaign.

The nudist community must also find a spin that serves them; removes the eccentric aging hippy stereotype from the public image.  These partnerships with the green movement to promote environmentally sustainable bicycling as alternatives to cars only goes short step away from granola munching tree huggers of old.  There must be some other link to the broader public for the nudist community to really begin to attract attention and achieve normalization... but I'm at a loss so far as to what that link is.

Stuck in the Friend Zone

Ach!

Compliments

I suppose I'm not an ugly man, by no means hideous nor am I being recruited by some exploitative circus from some Balkan country.  I also contend I am not a beautiful nor handsome man.  At no time in my 40 years has any magazine photographer ever stopped me on the streets.

If I had a gun to my head, I'd have to admit I'm in the 50th percentile with half of the world's men better looking and the other half deserving of my sympathy.

So when I'm in a bar and a guy compliments me, either on my appearance, my wit, or my nice-ness (personality?  What portion of my person is that?), I always secretly wince and assume it is a pick-up line.  I'm not attractive, nor funny, nor nice.  Surely I've proven that repeatedly over these many years.  Possibly, I CAN be any of those for short periods, but none are part of my nature.

This last weekend (well, really only Sunday afternoon) I went to a pool party with my new naked friends in Minnesota.  The weather was perfect!  Clear sunshine, warm temperatures both of which moderated as the evening came on.  The property was perfect!  In the boonies, surrounded by Upper Midwest forestry, and at the end of a cul du sac.  I want to live there and the host (who seemed slightly inebriated) suggested I could be his handy-man on the property.  I know I was indeed drunk because I began to seriously consider the opportunity of becoming someone's pool boy.  The afternoon was as near perfect as I can imagine!  Nudists have a stereotypical reputation for being friendly and non-judgemental - gay nudists are such in spades.

A friendly gentleman repeatedly commented on my appearance.  Often it was to counter a self-deprecating remark but just as often it was unsolicited and again I assumed it was an intimacy builder.

Sit around any gay nudist event and listen to the banter and conversations around you and you will hear nearly everyone flirting.  Among gay men it seems to be a way to express affection, just as biting wit and name-calling is used.   A man or a woman telling a woman she's "beautiful tonight" is a compliment (especially if the speaker is a friend or spouse).  A man telling another man he looks "hot" or "cute" is equally complimentary - and often equally hollow.  Among gay nudists it seems almost a sport.  These men seem to revel in providing a compliment that garners a reaction, and will say almost anything to almost anyone.

There were several younger-than-me men there this weekend.  All were youthfully beautiful, all were probably 2% body fat, and all were with their lovers... save one.  All were paid compliments by everyone I heard talking.

One of the members, a regular as far as I can tell and rumored to be a board member (if such a post holds some status), is a notorious flirt.  He is half of a romance that I assume is comfortably aged - that's just a vibe I got - and spends as much of his time smirkingly complimenting everyone within his reach.  I find him humorous and quietly relish his antics.  As a naughty gay man, he enjoys finding the limits of a person's comfort-zone... then presses his dick against it.

Still I hear a hollow echo to these compliments.  As fun as some of them are - such as one which is reversed and causes blushing - all are simply a means to an end.  They are builders of intimacy, sometimes forced intimacy to overcome some form of anxiety.  This is understandable to bar-flies and nudists who have seen the same anxieties so many times for all the same reasons they have simply lost patience.  Sometimes it's better to use a sledgehammer to get through it and save everyone some time than tread lightly with someone's feelings.

All this being said, it still seems to work on me.  I still accept these compliments and internalize them should they be stated often enough.  I am a child of Aldous Huxley, after all.

During my time with my ex, I heard often my positive traits.  Some simple validations of my correct-ness during an debate (or argument... eat your heart out breeders, gays admit they're wrong), some were affectionate displays, and others are more intimate than I need to relate here.  Perhaps a different blog at some point.

These compliments eventually wore on my staunch sense of self and softened my internal criticisms.  My chest isn't THAT similar to a 12-year-old's, my feet aren't freakishly small, and my voice isn't annoyingly nasal.  To his credit - he spent years to accomplish this small alteration of my self-image.  If nothing else, the man is persistent.

As too, my time with these nudists in the Land of 1,000 Lakes.  I'm attempting to convince someone to join me on my adventures.  Each, in turn, has backed out of the opportunity for various reasons, but all have claimed shyness as an excuse for reluctance.  To these men - as I say now - I've explained that after the first 15 minutes or so of anxiety about the fact that I'm without clothes, I honestly have periods where I forget that I'm at a nudist event.  I find myself looking into the face of the person I'm talking to without the urge to slyly glance at my shoes so my eyes pass over their groin.  I forget that my dick isn't engorged just enough to be as big as possible without looking like it's an erection.  I don't hold my hands in front of me to block anyones' view.  Nor am I consciously standing a certain way to accentuate my musculature as best I can.  I act as if I'm sitting at any table with anyone holding any other conversation.

The lack of reaction to my physique... or rather negative reaction, has rekindled a cautious confidence.  Verbal compliments aside, these men who also neglect to acknowledge their own nudity during a conversation compliment me in ways no words can.  I am more than the sum of my parts.

So I reveal a secret here to anyone who reads this public missive:  I may, just maybe, look OK.

Sun Ray Hills

It's almost close by, it's relatively cheap, it has day passes and hiking trails.

It's family friendly and I'm a grumpy old man.  Mr. Wilson doesn't like kids and being nude around them is a bit anxiety-ridden contemplation.

To visit or not to visit, that is the question.

Offensive vs. Harmful

Naked unless someone is offended.
by Richard Foley
http://www.naktiv.net
Many people, in the clamour to be seen to be politically correct, seem to believe in the principle that you should not do something if somebody will be upset by it. Being naked in a public space, for instance. While at first sight, this might sound a most honorable viewpoint, I'm not sure people have thought it through entirely. 
For instance, would you be happy to join a WNBR, where nudity IS accepted, and then during the course of the ride if some one person was upset at seeing naked people, you would immediately get dressed? 
If so, this seems to me to be the very problem with society today (and maybe forever). If we only ever accept a situation on the basis that nobody (pun intended) will ever be upset, then we should bring back racial segregation because somebody is upset that there are blacks on their side of the street. We should also deny women the vote because someone might be upset, (at least half the population of Appenzell in Switzerland), that women should have any say in the running of the country. We should make gay people illegal (wtf! eh?) because somebody doesn't like gay people, or is upset by the idea of somebody being gay, or is "offended" by the very thought. Etc. etc. etc. 
As Bertrand Russell famously said in a letter to The Times: "In a democracy it is necessary that people should learn to endure having their sentiments outraged ..." 
True then, true today!

"Naked Unless Someone is Harmed"

Ideally, in the US, no law can be enacted unless the public can prove a behavior can, has, or will harm another.  The abortion debate is all about whether the fetus can be harmed or if the mother can be harmed - from both sides of the issue.  Gay marriage, gerrymandering, minimum wage, voter-ID laws, deficit spending, foreign relations, income tax reforms, immigration reforms... its all about who is potentially harmed by the legislation produced by the majority.  Gay marriage is a prime example of a majority harming the minority with bans and the courts ruling to restrict the power of the majority.

The majority of the public are not nudists - or at least not social nudists.  Yet we have laws banning nudity as obscene.  Obscene (as I noticed my spell check corrected to include the root "scene") has a history thus:  http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=obscene

I also had to have Google define "prurient" for me:  https://www.google.com/search?q=prurient&oq=prurient&aqs=chrome..69i57&sourceid=chrome&es_sm=93&ie=UTF-8#q=define+prurient

So I summarize that obscene is linked to "sexual" and if a "work" has no literary, artistic, political, or scientific value it can be deemed obscene.  Being nude in public - or within view of the public, such as through the window of my home - has no literary value I can argue, nor artistic unless I stretch MY definition of art for those who have tattoos, piercings, or other modifications, nor scientific as my body is too normal to be medically relevant.

However, it is the political value that I zeroed in on.  Denying my ability to dress as I please potentially harms me as it denies my Right to Free Speech and places restrictions on my activities or expression.  Should my expression be intentionally sexual, then I could see the trier ruling against me - though that could be another conversation.  However, almost every nudist I've met in person or on-line contends a non-sexual motivation for their clothes-free choices.  So, as long as I claim non-prurient intentions and make no display "obviously" sexual then I have political value to my nudity.  Any restriction goes against precedent mentioned on etymonline.com and I can claim harm.

The religious and parents also claim harm by viewing my nudity.  They would have equal justification in the political realm.  Sexualizing (as may happen without proper contextual explanation by the parents) children is illegal for obvious reasons - if not so obvious, I would be happy to provide instruction at another time.  However, if simple nudity were akin to sexualizing children then a child witnessing their parent's nudity within the home would be equivalent to abuse and no nudist resort would be allowed to admit children.

Religious observance within an impartial state is enshrined in our very founding (ideally).  To not provide some measure of shared observance the state loses it impartiality.  However, many aspects of dogma are ignored by the state.  Some people work the Sabbath as we are allowed to eat beef on Fridays and pork at any time we choose.

So again we are faced with quantifying harm.  Is the majority viewing nudity harmed more than the minority banned from expressing nudity in the public sphere or vice versa?  Simple offense examined by Richard in his blog seems to be no more complex than the political value I examine here.  There seems to be no ideal nor legal precedent for modern nudity laws other than social inertia.  Simply because current social standards applied by the average person include covered genitals at all times within the public spaces, and have been for generations, no judge would side with my argument.  I would have to prove I am more grievously harmed than a simple loss of expression - as I am not allowed to burn the flag either.

Just because something is common doesn't make it right nor is an unexamined life worth living.

De-confident

I got ditched last night!

Now, I realize I'm not a prize catch.  I realize I'm not the prettiest boy in the room... hell, I'm no where near a boy anymore.  I also realize that my socialization skills are lacking in comparison to many of the other people in the bar.  However, I didn't realize I was so repugnant as it be allowed to ignore me all together.

An acquaintance of mine came to town, an occasion I secretly have been waiting for.  The news of him bringing a guest with him was unsettling enough, but to learn this guest was to be a STRAIGHT WOMAN knocked me out of the chair.  Oh, well.  I can be nice to the lady, yes?  My plans to continue my astounding charm offensive to impart upon this man my intense and constant worth as a future husband should not be daunted by the presence of a mere woman who would quickly learn my attentions were not for her.

Upon our first meeting he made passing complaint of a former lover who annoyed him greatly with attentions bordering on stalking.  I decided instantly to play my hand cool, aloof, and dispassionate.  This worked well for me and happy fun times ensued.

My angst phone-side over the intervening period was kept secret and again I played up dispassion upon learning of his imminent return.  Again this worked to my advantage and happy fun times re-ensued.  Still I was no closer to impressing upon him my worth.

Struggling to accept our acquaintance for its current state I volunteered to join the duo for a night of frivolity and debauchery.  Much inebriation occurred, costumes were purchased, and innuendo was freely spoken.  I worked to be supportive of his socializing, worked to be patient and unconcerned of the potential rivals to my object of desire, and worked especially hard at ingratiating myself to the trusted adviser he brought with him.

Apparently all of my performances were for naught for as the night drew to a close and my hopes for an extended stay in his bed reached a peak I spied the duo leave the bar without so much as a "we're leaving."

At first, I assumed secrets were to be shared away from ever-present ears assumed by only those in high school and the intoxicated.  I waited for a few minutes and was distracted by a conversation for a short period.

Next I assumed they retired to a bar next-door to chase down a romance for said lady, though she had stated quite clearly earlier she was not in any mood for such dalliance.  I waited - awkwardly - alone, for about an hour before I seriously considered the idea I was truly alone.

My bemused BFF irritated with his mirth at my plight yet quickly sobered to my dejection.  He counseled me on the realities of my acquaintance-ship and reminded me of the quixotic behaviors of the muddled.  I decided I could not make the assumption of rudeness and retire solitary to my slumber without lapsing rude myself.  An obviously searching expression would deter any poor judgement of my entry into the breeder's establishment and facilitate my determination of current events.

As is obvious, no duo with which I was related frequented THAT bar when I entered.

I could only conclude I had been abandoned - which unleashed a myriad reasons which would explain events as I have recounted.

My search for an explanation during our cumulative hang-overs went unanswered and surely now the duo has returned to their homes apparently unabashed.  I have lost more dignity than I can quantify and feel ashamed of not only my behavior but my fantasies.

Looking toward this coming weekend I am hard-pressed to see myself charming and graceful at a pool-party for naked men.  I am emotionally wounded and find it difficult to be vulnerable, yet I'm to prepare for a situation where I plan to be as physically vulnerable as is possible outside violence.

Considering the welcome I received at my last visit with these men, perhaps my plans are my panacea.

Woe be the man who returns home in June failing to find solace or he who compounds his shame... but let's be optimistic.