De-confident

I got ditched last night!

Now, I realize I'm not a prize catch.  I realize I'm not the prettiest boy in the room... hell, I'm no where near a boy anymore.  I also realize that my socialization skills are lacking in comparison to many of the other people in the bar.  However, I didn't realize I was so repugnant as it be allowed to ignore me all together.

An acquaintance of mine came to town, an occasion I secretly have been waiting for.  The news of him bringing a guest with him was unsettling enough, but to learn this guest was to be a STRAIGHT WOMAN knocked me out of the chair.  Oh, well.  I can be nice to the lady, yes?  My plans to continue my astounding charm offensive to impart upon this man my intense and constant worth as a future husband should not be daunted by the presence of a mere woman who would quickly learn my attentions were not for her.

Upon our first meeting he made passing complaint of a former lover who annoyed him greatly with attentions bordering on stalking.  I decided instantly to play my hand cool, aloof, and dispassionate.  This worked well for me and happy fun times ensued.

My angst phone-side over the intervening period was kept secret and again I played up dispassion upon learning of his imminent return.  Again this worked to my advantage and happy fun times re-ensued.  Still I was no closer to impressing upon him my worth.

Struggling to accept our acquaintance for its current state I volunteered to join the duo for a night of frivolity and debauchery.  Much inebriation occurred, costumes were purchased, and innuendo was freely spoken.  I worked to be supportive of his socializing, worked to be patient and unconcerned of the potential rivals to my object of desire, and worked especially hard at ingratiating myself to the trusted adviser he brought with him.

Apparently all of my performances were for naught for as the night drew to a close and my hopes for an extended stay in his bed reached a peak I spied the duo leave the bar without so much as a "we're leaving."

At first, I assumed secrets were to be shared away from ever-present ears assumed by only those in high school and the intoxicated.  I waited for a few minutes and was distracted by a conversation for a short period.

Next I assumed they retired to a bar next-door to chase down a romance for said lady, though she had stated quite clearly earlier she was not in any mood for such dalliance.  I waited - awkwardly - alone, for about an hour before I seriously considered the idea I was truly alone.

My bemused BFF irritated with his mirth at my plight yet quickly sobered to my dejection.  He counseled me on the realities of my acquaintance-ship and reminded me of the quixotic behaviors of the muddled.  I decided I could not make the assumption of rudeness and retire solitary to my slumber without lapsing rude myself.  An obviously searching expression would deter any poor judgement of my entry into the breeder's establishment and facilitate my determination of current events.

As is obvious, no duo with which I was related frequented THAT bar when I entered.

I could only conclude I had been abandoned - which unleashed a myriad reasons which would explain events as I have recounted.

My search for an explanation during our cumulative hang-overs went unanswered and surely now the duo has returned to their homes apparently unabashed.  I have lost more dignity than I can quantify and feel ashamed of not only my behavior but my fantasies.

Looking toward this coming weekend I am hard-pressed to see myself charming and graceful at a pool-party for naked men.  I am emotionally wounded and find it difficult to be vulnerable, yet I'm to prepare for a situation where I plan to be as physically vulnerable as is possible outside violence.

Considering the welcome I received at my last visit with these men, perhaps my plans are my panacea.

Woe be the man who returns home in June failing to find solace or he who compounds his shame... but let's be optimistic.

Anticipation

Just one more week of work (after this weekend) until the Memorial Day three day holiday.  Just forty more hours of labor before I can join my new friends in a little suburb of Minneapolis in an afternoon of hot-tubbin' and skinny-dippin'.  Just one more week before I can reconnect with men I've only barely begun to know.

I was chatting last night with one of these men.  My generous host for the evening of board-games and soup.  After some general discussion of weather and other news (we take our weather very seriously here) I asked him if he was planning to attend the pool party.

I was astonished to hear he had other plans.  He is going to travel four hours north-west of the city to attend a camp-out-style weekend with a small group of other men.  My reaction unsettled me a little bit.

I actually considered cancelling my trip just because he would not be there.  I so long for the comfort of a familiar face that upon hearing he wouldn't be there I almost chickened out.  This, after boldly attending the game night knowing nary a soul.

I wondered aloud (quite difficult when instant messaging across two hundred and eighty miles of Great North Woods) if I should join him at the camp-out.  After hearing just how far I'd have to drive to get there (say nothing of the return trip) I realized my foolishness.

Surely there will be other men I'd met at the game night going to the pool party.  I was introduced to them all and chatted briefly with several and a few for more than an hour.  Remembering names is a personal failing, but I'll recognize them when I see them again.  I'm certain I'll bond with one or two, probably the hosts since they will be especially engaging to ensure everyone is enjoying themselves.

Presently, I'm lining up a couple of nights of debauchery with local people or, in one case, a man who is driving in from his hometown.  First up is to attend one of the bar's Friday-fish as is customarily served here. (A quasi-Catholic observance that has less to do with doctrine and more to do with the price of a plate of perch.)

Comments Wanted

I'm getting a little excited by the mere fact that I have people viewing my little missive.  Granted these few words are not important to anyone in the course of history, but I go gain some enjoyment in composing them and then publishing my gibberings to an audience.  The fact that I apparently have an audience is a bit astonishing, though I chalk that up to random web searches for porn and cat videos that happen across someone's screen and received an accidental tap from overly-sensitive display.

This may sound absurdly humble and you may well dismiss it as posturing.  However, I assure you, I am just that humble when it comes to my ability to write.  There are teen-agers with better grammar and I've heard some all-time best one-liners come from the mouths of babes.

I have considered posting more of my material to this web address, under a different page... or blog or whatever is the technical term.  I am reticent, however, because my fiction is far more personal.  It leaves me more vulnerable than my simple ramblings of events during the course of my days.  I know these events to be true, believe them or not; but my fiction... well, now it is my duty as an author to convince you (however tentatively) that those events are also real.  To fail at that task would prove my inability to write.  And so I withhold my other creations from an audience out of fear of verification.

What would possibly change my mind is some feedback from readers.  Please, if you read a post, leave a comment.  If my writing sucks, tell me; but please be specific lest I have nothing with which to improve.  If you like what I've laid bare here, that also would be helpful.  Most of all, simply leaving a mark upon these pages would show your interest.  It will take effort to leave a message for me, so I will be grateful for the effort you've made.  That alone will validate my efforts.

Mostly I would just like to know who's reading.  Are the "page views" really mis-taken links or have you really ended up here on purpose?

Outdoors and Exposed

I've RSVP'd the group in Minneapolis to join them over the Memorial Day weekend.  This event will center around the hot tub (probably since the swimming pool will most likely be too cold so early in the season).

Sitting around someone's living-room with a bunch of naked men is one thing, of which I've fussed over prior, but this event is to be outdoors.  I long to feel the air on my skin and the sun on my body... assuming it'll be sunny, but I still have concerns about "public view."

As with the first time joining these men, I will simply mull over my foreseeable options before I go - some of them here - and then simply throw caution to the wind.

My guess is not everyone will be outside and the host will have opened his house to us all, without erecting velvet ropes or locking doors, and if I choose I can stay inside.  And I will should the fencing or the greenery around the property doesn't eliminate the chance of being seen by someone who would complain.  Worse, by someone for whom it is illegal for me to be exposed within site of... so bad the consequences that I write even more poorly than usual just thinking about it.

Puzzled

A post on a nudist site today got me to thinking, a rare event.

I'm a nudist, meaning I prefer to lounge without clothing.  Clothing at work is essential since the temperature is not optimal.  Clothing while shopping is essential since social norms suggest I don gay apparel.  Clothing while in public view is essential due to current laws.

I'm a social nudist, meaning I enjoy my time with other naked men... sexually or otherwise.  I prefer sexual nudity, but I'm happy just hanging out with other nude men.  Haven't puzzled out why I'm attracted to the activity just yet... working on it.  I could associate nudity with sex and feel a sense of arousal and am denying it.  I could just enjoy the rebellion of the situation and haven't yet made the link in my brain.  Whatever the reason for my enjoyment, I intend to pursue it.

The interesting post mentioned a person's sense of privacy.  That's psychologically a control thing; I want to control knowledge of others about what I consider "private" information.  I tell people my secrets, or choose not to.

I am a nudist who feels no need to announce it.  I consider my nudism a hobby and considering it's eccentric nature consider the activity a private one.  Yet I'm a social nudist.  I intend to get nude this summer in various locals where I can be viewed by others.  Granted, due to the laws, these will be others who have agreed to witness my nudity rather than the general public who have not given such permission.

So I am a hypocrite.  I consider being nude in public a private activity and want to control the spread of that knowledge.  Worse, I've started this public blog discussing this private activity.  I don't necessarily share the address to everyone.  In fact, I've only shared the address with a relative few.  Yet anyone may access, read, and comment on the site.  Anyone can know.

I've yet to divine this hypocrisy and resolve it.  Eventually, surely I will understand my own mind on the issue and alter my behavior accordingly.  Perhaps I'll join the activists in broadening the public's understanding and acceptance of nudity.  Perhaps I'll stop this blog, delete as much as Google will allow, and abandon all public nudity.  Perhaps I'll simply accept my hypocrisy as yet another conundrum of my personality and carry on without resolution.

Idealism

Many of the naturist sites I've been on recently have revealed a theme:  the human body is beautiful but not inherently arousing and we should look to the personality within before judging anyone's true beauty.

While this is the same advice espoused by my therapist, I find I tend to disagree.

My primitive ancestors didn't stand up on the African savanna to be better able to divine another's true nature.  They stood up to see over the grasses.

While I would agree that the sense of smell is quite possibly our foremost erotic sense, sight is primarily how people gather information.  I see a red light, I stop.  I see a ball hurtling toward my head, I duck.  I see a symmetrically built and featured man across a room, I'm attracted.

I can't possibly know anyone's personality based on sight alone.  Yeah, I can tell loads by their non-verbal communication.  A man dressed in office attire or youthful-urban fashions tells me immediately what kind of person they want me to think they are.  Uniforms are important since they communicate massive amounts of information without having to explain oneself, this is why employers almost always have a dress-code.  No CPA wants his/her receptionist wearing a hoodie.

Movement and posture are also huge.  A man standing, favoring one leg, and waving his hands about without using his shoulder tells me something about the temperature of his flame.  Whereas a man standing erect, his feet shoulder-width apart, with his groin thrust forward tells me something about his self-image and his psychological assertions toward manhood and a man-image.

All of these cultural mannerisms could prove false.  Socializing in probably 50% acting anyway and most of us adhere to cultural norms whether we agree with them or not.  The most feminist supporting man in America still has a problem with being a stay-at-home Dad and most employers (male and female) still expect every man to be at work during all scheduled hours... even if they have children.

So, while it's nice and lovely to preach a doctrine of personality-based attraction, in reality sight is the first and most powerful attractor.  The young and the beautiful still have more friends - which helps them learn how to socialize more effectively, which helps them gain more friends, which is good practice for developing friendships, which gains them more friends...

I've heard this same argument from some of the more kinky elements of the Gay Community.  Enjoying leather or pig play shouldn't matter to the neighbors, yet it does when one's attire advertises such bedroom activities.  Weird is weird, and while it may say nothing about a person's generosity or kindness, it still carries a stigma.  Sons of Anarchy isn't a show about Harley riding philanthropists.  Stereotypes matter and changing them, while noble, is still an arduous endeavor and needs to take the stereotype into account whilst endeavoring.

Conclusion:  Yes, once I cross the room and begin a conversation with a hottie wearing the nylon t-shirt clinging to his solid muscles I will begin to assess his personality and make cost/reward analyses concerning my time and effort.  If he's a raving racist or just plain stupid then perhaps I'll privately enjoy the fantasy some other time.  If he lights up and turns his attention like a laser toward me, then maybe something wonderful could develop should our interests and world-views happen to coincide or complement each other.  However, it was the physical image that I first noticed.

Digital Community

So, suddenly, everybody is a nudist.  Apparently, most of my friends are naked most of the time they are alone.  No shock there, yet where were they when I mentioned it ages ago.  I've commented to all of them, at some point or another, that I'm not a fan of clothes; that winter irritates me because of all the bulky clothes; that I spend most of my time at home nude.  Each and every one of them let the comment pass without an encouraging response.  Only recently, after I was invited to a hot tub for some sexy-time (an event gone unfulfilled for reasons not pertinent here), did my friend tell me he too spends much of his morning and various hot tub times nude.  Forty years before I heard of this from someone I actually know.

Now that I'm on the internet I have become a member of several social-media sites either advertised as nudist or is a gathering of predominately nude individuals.  Some sites are mastered by those who love to practice the fine art of cyber-sex, others are for rookies interested in trading in amateur porn - namely, selfies.  Almost all seem to be filled with people who already know each other... and live in California or Florida.  Also, out of thousands of members, only a handful are ever on-line at any one time.  This seems odd to me since my connection is on whether I'm here or not, still it seems I'm still the wall flower.

One site I found only recently.  If you think I'm gonna tell you what it is, yer crazy!  This meandering of my mind is public and any asshole can read it.  I don't want just any asshole mucking about on the website I'm about to describe.  I prefer only the assholes I like.  So if you've found this page by simply surfing for all things sexy, well not only are you now disappointed, but you'll go no further with your surfing.  Please back-track and troll someone else.

Wow, digression!  This site is populated by nudists with a bend toward naturism.  The difference being, in my mind, between those who enjoy nudity (gain pleasure or suffer less due to clothes) and those who feel a moral obligation to live as closely to a "natural" state as possible.  Naturists are more likely to espouse organic farming, for instance, while nudists talk about using the microwave because the hot liquids don't spatter.

The site is open internationally and so I see lots of posts when I wake up telling the community "good night."  There are plenty of users in the usual places - not the Upper Midwest.  The admin group is concerned with keeping the site spam and bot free.  There is a verification process to prove you're people and also a nudist.  Gotta take a couple more selfies now.  I really need a friend who's good with a camera and can get some candids, but none of my physical friends really want to hang out naked... or be around me while I'm naked.  Pity, me naked is great for everyone else's self-esteem.

Still, after my warning from Facebook about harassing people I don't already know with friend requests, I am hesitant to ask the people who post there for a more intimate digital relationship.  I'm now unsure of the proper etiquette or how to go about gaining acquaintances who are amenable to such a request.  Ah well, perhaps some boldness is required.  Still, this site matters more to me than many of the others (I am a member of about a dozen social media sites and have multiple windows open at any given time to monitor the trickle of activity that may mention my name), and so I would not like to irritate the other members to the point of getting revoked... or worse, ignored.